A Lifetime Has Passed, So Don't Worry

He was gone for a while
and I was in my usual quiet life,
until my phone beeped,

"Hi, what's up?," he opened the talk,
"Great, and how is your life?," I politely replied.

"I am gonna be married soon," he told me in instant.

No, you are not going to see a story full of crybabies words, no.
No, you are not going to relate with Adele's 'Someone Like You', no.

I was not surprised, life keeps going on, no matter how quiet my life seems to be.
I gave my honest words, "I am glad to hear that."

But yes, maybe some conversations can take you back for a while to the past, yes.
And yes, maybe some presence of people can help you contemplate about your life, yes.
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What we had was a baby's love,
we did not realize how baby it was – the good thing was we took it whole-heartedly.
It was sparkling, it was daring, it was burning,
it was consuming, it was suffocating –
but was pleasant.

In taking baby steps, we fell, we cried,
we were annoying, we were seeking attentions
with right ways or wrong ones.

But we can not be babies forever –
we started to walk faster, we saw worlds as a big playground,
we perceived feelings and circumstances, we started to questions things.

And here comes two mentally-experiencing-adolescence kind of people,
we were fighters, we were rebellious,
we lied, we hurt,
and substitution was all we were looking for.

And we finally went to a mental phase of adulthood,
but I wondered why did not I see it in your eyes,
while you were sure you could see it clearly in my soul –
The ring given was just left untouched,
why was I scared?

Did I only possess a body of a grown woman,
but a coward for a lifetime agreement?
Did I only misperceive commitment to someone
as a limitation for my upcoming plans and ambitions?

But I did not really need to seek for complicated, explainable reasons,
because sometime the answer was "it is just not" –
It was just not a part of my plan
and you were just not what I expected to include;
You were just not supposed to be mine,
just like I was not supposed to be yours.

I was glad I had the courage to tell you that day
I could not see it in you –
which you perceived as funny
because after all those time, I could not see it in you.

It is still funny to me,
that you can spend so much time with someone
just to conclude you can not stand together in the last minute.

Now we get older and forgive each other;
From babies to adulthood,
From a burning fire to a steady flame,
From a smothering love to a freedom to take paths.
Our lifetime has passed, so don't worry –
we will be just fine.

And I wish you eternal happiness and endless love to rest your soul,
just like I wish myself the same thing.

Cheers, for the word 'eternally'.

Kebiasaan Tidur

"Kamu mendengkur. Selalu seperti itu. 

Kamu selalu beralasan bahwa dengkuran itu adalah output kelelahan hidupmu, jadi walau agak sedikit berisik, kamu minta maklum dariku. Walaupun aku mengiaskannya sebagai 'alasan', tapi dengkuranmu bukan sesuatu yang menyebalkan. Aku suka saat aku mendapati eksistensi lain dalam ruangan yang gelap ini, menandakan bahwa aku tak perlu merasa kesepian walau tak melulu bergeliat dalam dekapan.

Kita tenang dalam jarak. Selalu seperti itu. 

Kamu yang selalu terlentang menghadap langit dan aku yang selalu meringkuk menghadap dinding. Jika kupikir-pikir, lucu juga bagaimana kita tak bisa menyembunyikan apapun dari alam bawah sadar, sekalipun tabiat. 

Dalam hidup, kamu selalu menengadah menghadap masalah dan aku selalu sibuk membungkuk melindungi diri. 

Dalam kita, kamu selalu senang melihat dataran yang lapang meraya dan aku selalu sibuk ketakutan tersesat di dalamnya.

Aku ralat, kadang kita tak tenang dalam jarak. Aku tahu langitmu tak kan mau menapak tanah dan dindingku tak mampu terus tinggi merambah, tapi di antaranya mampulah kita berhimpit mencari celah. Kita berdesak dalam celah dan aku sesak oleh air mata, kemudian di punggungku hangat itu tiba-tiba menjalar,

terus hingga ke leher, 

lalu ke dada, 

hingga kemudian tangisku reda dan kita terjaga sampai pagi menjelang untuk menukar perih dengan kasih, 

serta menukar keluh dengan peluh.

Atau kadang, di punggungku hangat itu menjalar, 

terus hingga ke leher, 

lalu ke dada,

hingga kemudian tangisku reda dan kutempelkan pipiku ke pipimu, membagi basah dipermukaannya, 

untuk mendengar petuah kesukaanmu bahwa kita akan selalu baik-baik saja, asal kita tidak menyerah – 

kecuali menyerah pada kantuk, dan dalam 10 menit kita kembali berdiam dalam mimpi masing-masing.

Mungkin tidak sepenuhnya berdiam karena kamu mendengkur.

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Ya, kamu mendengkur. Selalu seperti itu.

Kamu selalu beralasan bahwa dengkuran itu adalah output kelelahanmu, jadi walau agak sedikit berisik, kamu minta maklum dariku. Walaupun aku terus mendengarnya dan berasumsi kelelahanmu terjadi setiap hari, kuharap setidaknya lelahmu bukan karena tingkah polahku.

(Atau jika itu karenaku, kamu bisa bilang saja. Nanti kuperbaiki, tentu saja dengan bantuanmu.)"

 

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Dengkurmu berhenti. Aku menoleh.

Kamu menatapku, aku mengedikan kepala ke layar. "Menulis lagi?", tanyamu lewat tatap, kubalas anggukan. 

Kamu mengulurkan tangan.

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Akhirnya, aku menemukan tempat pulang yang lebih nyaman daripada rentetan kata-kata.

Kadang aku juga suka malas-malasan seharian dan menggusur kamu dari peraduan yang menghanyutkan

 

A Gift From An Ex

Hello,

Good evening.

It's been a long time since I touched both of my blogs (Mis.Cons.True and FragileMelancholy) since I was so occupied with 365versifications project. Well, I already made a dream came true: to challenge myself in making daily poetry! Well gotta admit that after the seventh day I was kinda exhausted and I stopped writing for a while, well sure it's a proof  that writing is not easy - but I am coming back to it now. I start writing poetry again, but maybe 365versification will not stop in scheduled time (September 30th, 2019), but later.

http://instagram.com/365versifications

So in the process of collecting words and pictures (and some music selections and minor editing), some of my friends asked me why am I so addicted to writing and photography. Some of my juniors in school also wondered why I would rather spend an evening without them and strolling around the city instead when I was trapped in Serang for forensic department. They said I could be kidnapped if kept doing that - but hey, they might be right but I would bring no good to the kidnapper (I am annoying plus I eat a lot, they will waste their time and money for kidnapping me).

Result of early morning strolling in Bertakwa city...

So today I am gonna ask you (if anyone read this, please just answer me in your heart), have you ever been in relationship? Have you failed any relationship? Do you have ex?

Or ex-es?

Is it countable?

Or uncountable?

Well, I had failed 6 relationships in my life. I had 6 ex-es. All my 6 ex-es were good  - it made sense why I choose to date them in past. Each of them was carefully crafted, all of them have unique characteristics,  and all of them are still my friends in my recent life. I am still advising their careers, lending hands when they need help, and also giving (good) commentary to their decision to marry their current girlfriends (okay, their girlfriend would be mad if they knew about this).

No, I am not gonna up to the question:

"If all your ex-es were good then why you guys ended?"

Well, but to be honest. Everyone has this one ex that changes everything, right? Because I do have one superior (well, maybe not that superior, but he changed my life - so there wouldn't be the "now-me" if there wasn't him, kinda superior, right?) ex. Well, since the day one I worked on my daily poetry challenge, I could not stop thinking about him and how grateful I am that we separated in such a right time.

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We never parted officially -- no goodbye said, no farewell done.

All ever happened was he stopped texting and even when I messaged him, my messages went unreplied, so I could not ask for a chance to talk about "why you do you do this cruel thing to me" directly.

I remembered clearly that I was in junior high school national exam that time and that was literally the first heartbreak that felt like my 12 pairs of ribs were struck and broke, blood was fulfilling my heart sac, and my heart could not beat. Well, that was hyperbolic, but with all honesty, it was the first time I got brokenhearted so bad. I still wonder, why an unsaid goodbye left more trails and pains in our life rather than the yelled, doomed, breakups?

So I got a very long holiday after the national examination and everyday was a struggle -- to forget him. At least, to accept the fact that I was dumped (well I don't like the word 'dumped' but it was a dump right, considering the condition?). That young me was kinda pitiful, because she was brokenhearted and out of cash (BOKEK).  She was the first kid whose father and mother could not permit so easily to go out. But the world started to change when suddenly she found her mother's brand new and unused camera.

Then, I started exploring around. The first time, I explored Tangerang, my hometown -- to the heart of the city (Alun-Alun, Kisamaun street, and Cisadane River), but then I explored further with commuterline (well, I was already in love with commuterline since there was a Pasar Anyar - Kota route priced Rp 5000,00, the train was gonna stop for a longer time in Kampung Bandan before it landed on Kota, and all the street musician and tukang cangcimen would come inside the train). Well, mainly I would go to Kota Tua, but sometime I went to Taman Menteng, Bunderan HI, and around. Back then I was alay but I was so damn happy that time.

I took pictures, I strolled around, and I started to write things around in blog intensively. I was not writing big things, it was just daily trashing and I felt incomplete if I skipped writing even a day. Since then, every time I strolled around my head was fulfilled with words and arrangements of them.

Not so long after I found my new hobby, some news were leaked that my 'unsaid goodbye, undone farewell' ex was having a new girlfriend.  I felt like I turned into fragments and all pieces was blown by the wind, actually. But then I made more private poetries I kept in my diary (named Diari Depresi -- come on I know it's kinda shitty but I was an emo girl back then). In writing, I really enjoyed translating feelings into words, arranging them, rhyming process. I also loved how I could be anything in my writing; I could be an emo growing-up girl, a sexually-active woman whose craving is burn like fire, or an old, wise woman who will die in 3 years. It's like, when I talk to you in daily life, I am me -- but once I wrote, I could be anyone, including someone you never knew or barely recognized.

In my writings, I can be as straight as possible or curved as hell.
I can be both representation of heaven and holiness or hell and desires.
Well, we all write, to become our other world-ly self, right?

I also took more random strolling and pictures. In strolling, I found a lot of sceneries and moments that made me a lot more grateful to my conditions.

In taking pictures, I learned that life is like photography; no matter how messy things around you, you could always do some framing and show the best part of them. In photography, you could pour your feelings or else you could manipulate what can be seen -- then you could shape people's opinion and drag them with you, where you want them to be.

I knew in every step I took, I would eventually got better, but it might take time to heal all the scars.

We loved, we got hurt -- it's all a cycle. A complete package. You can not pick one and ignore the others. What you can pick is to stay or to leave the cycle.

In this case, I am glad I was leaving all for good. I am grateful the separation occurred in such a right time -- in a time when I am free from all obligation as a student, in a time I am free to explore myself. I found myself in my first profound heartbreak (and still the most profound heartbreak I ever had until now actually) and I felt I was blessed.

Now, in every stroll I make in the streets, I arrange words in my brain, and most of times I get some enlightenment of what to do in life. Well 365versification was an idea popped out when I was on my evening 6-km routine stroll back then in Cilandak. I am really happy with the philosophy of strolling I recently think about, that in every step I take, I go to one direction. The destination is not yet seen or known, but I am moving somewhere.

I think it's always okay to keep walking directionless-ly for a while.

No rush.

No pressure.

You just walk and someday you will know.

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Well, every time I write for 365versification, I always playback that period and since a lot of people recently asking why you 'this and that' (writing lots lots lots of poems, taking pictures even unfaedah ones, and also do some lonely strolling in every city visited, even the Se***g Bertakwa one where you could find nothing in it), this post was finally born.

So yeah, catch you later, maybe?

Love,

Your (still) co-ass writer

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P.S: I finally had some bravery to ask that ex about "the unsaid goodbye, the undone farewell" years after, and he said he was sorry -- because boredom was the main reason of his leaving (maybe I was that poor in keeping pace with his smart brain, who the hell knows?) but I am glad now he's getting serious with his recent girlfriend.

What is luckier than being genuinely in love with someone and knowing that someone returns your affection equally?