Mis.Cons.True

Hello,

Good evening.

It's been a long time since I touched both of my blogs (Mis.Cons.True and FragileMelancholy) since I was so occupied with 365versifications project. Well, I already made a dream came true: to challenge myself in making daily poetry! Well gotta admit that after the seventh day I was kinda exhausted and I stopped writing for a while, well sure it's a proof that writing is not easy - but I am coming back to it now. I start writing poetry again, but maybe 365versification will not stop in scheduled time (September 30th, 2019), but later.

http://instagram.com/365versifications

So in the process of collecting words and pictures (and some music selections and minor editing), some of my friends asked me why am I so addicted to writing and photography. Some of my juniors in school also wondered why I would rather spend an evening without them and strolling around the city instead when I was trapped in Serang for forensic department. They said I could be kidnapped if kept doing that - but hey, they might be right but I would bring no good to the kidnapper (I am annoying plus I eat a lot, they will waste their time and money for kidnapping me).

Result of early morning strolling in Bertakwa city...

So today I am gonna ask you (if anyone read this, please just answer me in your heart), have you ever been in relationship? Have you failed any relationship? Do you have ex?

Or ex-es?

Is it countable?

Or uncountable?

Well, I had failed 6 relationships in my life. I had 6 ex-es. All my 6 ex-es were good - it made sense why I choose to date them in past. Each of them was carefully crafted, all of them have unique characteristics, and all of them are still my friends in my recent life. I am still advising their careers, lending hands when they need help, and also giving (good) commentary to their decision to marry their current girlfriends (okay, their girlfriend would be mad if they knew about this).

No, I am not gonna up to the question:

"If all your ex-es were good then why you guys ended?"

Well, but to be honest. Everyone has this one ex that changes everything, right? Because I do have one superior (well, maybe not that superior, but he changed my life - so there wouldn't be the "now-me" if there wasn't him, kinda superior, right?) ex. Well, since the day one I worked on my daily poetry challenge, I could not stop thinking about him and how grateful I am that we separated in such a right time.

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We never parted officially -- no goodbye said, no farewell done.

All ever happened was he stopped texting and even when I messaged him, my messages went unreplied, so I could not ask for a chance to talk about "why you do you do this cruel thing to me" directly.

I remembered clearly that I was in junior high school national exam that time and that was literally the first heartbreak that felt like my 12 pairs of ribs were struck and broke, blood was fulfilling my heart sac, and my heart could not beat. Well, that was hyperbolic, but with all honesty, it was the first time I got brokenhearted so bad. I still wonder, why an unsaid goodbye left more trails and pains in our life rather than the yelled, doomed, breakups?

So I got a very long holiday after the national examination and everyday was a struggle -- to forget him. At least, to accept the fact that I was dumped (well I don't like the word 'dumped' but it was a dump right, considering the condition?). That young me was kinda pitiful, because she was brokenhearted and out of cash (BOKEK). She was the first kid whose father and mother could not permit so easily to go out. But the world started to change when suddenly she found her mother's brand new and unused camera.

Then, I started exploring around. The first time, I explored Tangerang, my hometown -- to the heart of the city (Alun-Alun, Kisamaun street, and Cisadane River), but then I explored further with commuterline (well, I was already in love with commuterline since there was a Pasar Anyar - Kota route priced Rp 5000,00, the train was gonna stop for a longer time in Kampung Bandan before it landed on Kota, and all the street musician and tukang cangcimen would come inside the train). Well, mainly I would go to Kota Tua, but sometime I went to Taman Menteng, Bunderan HI, and around. Back then I was alay but I was so damn happy that time.

I took pictures, I strolled around, and I started to write things around in blog intensively. I was not writing big things, it was just daily trashing and I felt incomplete if I skipped writing even a day. Since then, every time I strolled around my head was fulfilled with words and arrangements of them.

Not so long after I found my new hobby, some news were leaked that my 'unsaid goodbye, undone farewell' ex was having a new girlfriend. I felt like I turned into fragments and all pieces was blown by the wind, actually. But then I made more private poetries I kept in my diary (named Diari Depresi -- come on I know it's kinda shitty but I was an emo girl back then). In writing, I really enjoyed translating feelings into words, arranging them, rhyming process. I also loved how I could be anything in my writing; I could be an emo growing-up girl, a sexually-active woman whose craving is burn like fire, or an old, wise woman who will die in 3 years. It's like, when I talk to you in daily life, I am me -- but once I wrote, I could be anyone, including someone you never knew or barely recognized.

In my writings, I can be as straight as possible or curved as hell.
I can be both representation of heaven and holiness or hell and desires.
Well, we all write, to become our other world-ly self, right?

I also took more random strolling and pictures. In strolling, I found a lot of sceneries and moments that made me a lot more grateful to my conditions.

In taking pictures, I learned that life is like photography; no matter how messy things around you, you could always do some framing and show the best part of them. In photography, you could pour your feelings or else you could manipulate what can be seen -- then you could shape people's opinion and drag them with you, where you want them to be.

I knew in every step I took, I would eventually got better, but it might take time to heal all the scars.

We loved, we got hurt -- it's all a cycle. A complete package. You can not pick one and ignore the others. What you can pick is to stay or to leave the cycle.

In this case, I am glad I was leaving all for good. I am grateful the separation occurred in such a right time -- in a time when I am free from all obligation as a student, in a time I am free to explore myself. I found myself in my first profound heartbreak (and still the most profound heartbreak I ever had until now actually) and I felt I was blessed.

Now, in every stroll I make in the streets, I arrange words in my brain, and most of times I get some enlightenment of what to do in life. Well 365versification was an idea popped out when I was on my evening 6-km routine stroll back then in Cilandak. I am really happy with the philosophy of strolling I recently think about, that in every step I take, I go to one direction. The destination is not yet seen or known, but I am moving somewhere.

I think it's always okay to keep walking directionless-ly for a while.

No rush.

No pressure.

You just walk and someday you will know.

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Well, every time I write for 365versification, I always playback that period and since a lot of people recently asking why you 'this and that' (writing lots lots lots of poems, taking pictures even unfaedah ones, and also do some lonely strolling in every city visited, even the Se***g Bertakwa one where you could find nothing in it), this post was finally born.

So yeah, catch you later, maybe?

Love,

Your (still) co-ass writer

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P.S: I finally had some bravery to ask that ex about "the unsaid goodbye, the undone farewell" years after, and he said he was sorry -- because boredom was the main reason of his leaving (maybe I was that poor in keeping pace with his smart brain, who the hell knows?) but I am glad now he's getting serious with his recent girlfriend.